Blog Post // 2023-09-09

Falling Into Fall Season

I have had the most crazy summer! It started with so much smoke in the air from all the fires in Ontario. I could barely function outside. Followed by so many tests, so many appointments, and so much travelling to try to figure out my health. I have had to travel almost every week. I live in a small town where there aren't many specialists. My mom has been my driver since I have some neurological symptoms that make me off balance. The picture is from one early morning drive when the moon looked really cool.

I am thankful for music to keep me going! 

My poor boy Spelter, my pet rat, had a brain tumour and died after I had him for only seven weeks. This was such a devastating experience and left me shaken. He died on Mother's Day! I knew I loved rats, and he proved it!

My grandma who looked after me as a child passed away, just days before the anniversary of my sister's death. This is a hard time of year for me! Being so into music, of course, I had to sing for her funeral. This is coming in the next few days, but I chose a song she would love. She was a relative who was very into music, especially in her younger years. Though it wasn't a style I liked, I can appreciate that it meant something to her. What I realized as I spent time with her in the hospital in palliative care, was that I really enjoy solemn art. The art on the funeral home and palliative care walls is my style. Is there something wrong with me? I also realized that the music I like that touches on sorrow is so much more intense than my family is used to hearing, so I held back on the level of melancholy with the song choice.

This year, I kid you not, I spent many days, especially at the start of the year, just listening to Swallow the Sun - album after album, all day long when I was at home, and In Mourning every time I was in a vehicle. Katatonia is slipping back into my daily rotation. What is it about these bands that seem to get the place I am in? Considering the strong connection I have had with Swallow the Sun's music, it was super sweet to make it to their concert. I didn't know if I could make it through, physically, but Lee's Palace in Toronto was set up really well. There was a bar across the front you could hold onto or seating on the sides. This is what helped me get through. The crowd was awesome and were mostly singing the songs along with the band.

Oh, and a big piece of news is the fact that I am getting my videos back up on my YouTube channel. It is cool to see them again, to see my journey from the start. I want them up because it was a life-changing experience for me. It opened me up to so much new music, as it gave me the time to sit in it and feel it so vividly. It is funny seeing myself on camera. I really do look so chill and detached, but I know that what was going on inside was much more than what it looked like on the outside. It made me realize that a large community of people around the world like heavy music. It brought out emotions I had stuffed away for years, it showed the true colours of this community, and they were supportive. The music was supportive, and it still is. I think the experience dusted off my heart and brought to light the very hard things in my own life.

Honestly, even watching the videos another time has been stirring up emotions. Hickory Creek, for example. Watching the video for the song just made me think about my original response. I felt the pain in the song and enjoyed it, but I stuffed away my own life experience because I wanted to protect my family and myself. I grew up in a home with an alcoholic dad. As a child, it was a hard position to be in because I was worried about him. He often was literally unconscious, and while incapacitated, offering me rides and being the adult in charge. I loved him, but I was sick of witnessing him in this state. This time around, the music is opening me up even more.

I know my interview videos are rather rough and were never meant for anyone to see, but I thought why not? So you can expect me to put up interviews that have a video as I go, now. The bands have been so nice to talk to.

I suppose it is time to move on to another poll. Thank you to those who participated. The top voted-on Metallica album was... Ride The Lightning, but there were a lot of ups and downs, as the albums battled it out.

Looking at the songs that have been added to my playlist lately... Here are the standouts (not counting the bands I interviewed this year, since they are all standouts to me):

• Crypta - Stronghold
• Johnny the Boy - Crossings
• Hertoir - Wastelands
• Cattle Decapitation - The Insignificants
• Burner - It All Returns to Nothing
• Enslaved - Forest Dweller

All the best to you!